


The Riddle Is Absence Itself

by RoxyPop



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Happy Ending, Regret, Sadstuck, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:50:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14305125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoxyPop/pseuds/RoxyPop
Summary: A group of kids learns to live with the weight they carry after having their childhood stolen from them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if ur reading this, know this: i love you, and i would die for you, but please go into this with the understanding that some fucked up stuff is gonna happen. this is not a happy story, but it just might have a happy ending.

Driving wasn’t something that Roxy Lalonde had thought a lot about growing up. She had seen it in movies of course, even practiced it in video games, but she never imagined actually ending up behind the wheel of a car. She had grown up in a time far removed from highways and parking garages, and though she always dreamed of being a part of that society, driving was far too mundane to be a part of that fantasy.

She had to get around some way, though. At least she had the money for a cool car.

Everyone got to lay their eyes on her eyesore of an automobile as she parked on the street beside the coffee shop. She wasn’t much of a car girl, but the boys had helped her pick out the model (some kind of deer, maybe? It was hard to remember) and subsequently cried when she took it in for a paint job. It had a nice retro aesthetic about it that she appreciated--hot pink and chrome gleaming under the summer sun, which was probably a hazard, and a convertible top that let her long, silver curls stream out behind her in the wind.

She probably looked all kinds of bitchy stepping out of her impala and into the kitschy little cafe, but she felt she deserved it. Dressed in pink and plaid and polka dots, blocky sunglasses blocking the sun and platinum blonde hair reflecting it, cat-themed handbag at her side, she made her way inside, seeing Rose already sitting at a table in the corner, working on her laptop with reading glasses and sweatpants.

God, this girl was such a disaster, but then, Roxy knew where she got it from.

“‘Sup, nerd?” she asked with a bright smile, swinging a chair over from a neighboring table to sit across from her friend.

Rose jumped, likely as much at Roxy’s sudden presence as the horrid screeching sound the chair made on the tile floor. “Please, Roxy, not so loud,” she groaned, closing her laptop and picking up the cup of coffee that looked like it hadn’t been touched yet, right next to two empty cups. She took a sip and grimaced. “Held up in traffic again?”

“Uhhhhh, yeah, something like that,” Roxy replied flippantly, checking her phone and flicking away notifications. “Whatcha workin’ on?” She asked, turning her gaze back to Rose with an earnest smile.

“A new script. Have you heard of a channel called Gaming Hypothesis?”

Roxy pulled a face and giggled. “Oh, my god, you’re not collabing with that guy are you?”

“Gods, no, what kind of sellout do you take me for? I’m doing a parody of his videos with the new Problem Sleuth game.” She had a smug, prideful look on her face as she pulled her glasses off, setting them aside with her computer. Roxy gave a smile in return.

“Oh, damn, I still need to play that, lol,” she mused. “Is it good?”

“Roxy, I wrote a 5000 word review on it. You could at least pretend you follow my work.”

“Hey, I totally do! Reading long stuff is just, y’know… hard. And I’ve been trying to fix my sleep schedule lately so I can’t just stay up forever reading the essays you pump out like it’s easy,” Roxy had a giggle in her voice. She always enjoyed these visits.

“Yes, I’m sure. That’s why you were so late today, then, because you were fixing your sleep schedule by sleeping in until…” Rose opened her laptop to check the time, “2 PM?”

“Yeah, well, nobody’s perfect,” she huffed, crossing her arms and hiding the smile on her pink painted lips.

After a moment of silence save for the noisy sipping of Rose’s cold coffee, she spoke again. “Are you going to get something to drink?”

Roxy looked up. “Hmm? Oh, nah. I’m, uh, trying to limit my caffeine intake, ‘cuz, uh,” Roxy stammered a bit, a bashful blush spreading across her tan cheeks. “Me and Calliope are finally tryin’ for a kid, and I heard that too much coffee is bad for the baby, y’know? We aren’t sure if everything is quite the same, but better safe than sorry, right?”

Rose’s eyes widened, and she had to take a moment to lift her jaw back up off the table. “O-oh, goodness. Is it in vitro, or-”

“Nope! _Au naturel,_ baby,” she beamed. “It took some doing in the biology department, ‘cuz like, duh, but, y’know, that’s my whole job basically!” Roxy had spent a few years since the game studying, and her recent exploits had been entirely focused on analyzing the interspecies compatibility between the native species of Earth C. She sat back. “Turns out the game was pretty generous to both of us in the junk department, and all it took was a couple hormone injections for her and figuring out my cycle and everything _should_ be good to go.”

Rose seemed equal parts alarmed and impressed, and took a moment to compose herself, once again noisily slurping her coffee. “You know you could’ve simply asked Kanaya and she would have been happy to set aside a wiggler for you. The new batch is very cute, or so I’ve heard.”

“I mean… I guess, yeah, but this is something I’ve wanted for a long time now. It’s like, Sbu-” she stopped herself. “The game gave me this junk and stuff, I wanna use it for what it’s built for.”

“Gross,” she teased, a gentle smirk on her lips, “but I suppose I can understand that,” she mused. She looked away, her thoughts turning to Kanaya and her mother. “Well, be careful, but I think you’ll be a good mother. Better than mine was, at any rate.”

“Babe, there’s no need to worry. I’ve read, like, basically every parenting book that exists, and Calliope’s been great about this whole thing. I think we’ll be okay. I hope we’ll be okay.”

Rose smiled. “Have you told anyone else?”

“Just Jane. She can’t do a whole lot ‘cuz she’s got her business to take care of, but she wants to help out with what she can. I wanted to kinda keep it under wraps until we know it’s gonna take though, but Calliope insisted.”

“Are you two still on bad terms?”

“Oh, nah, we made up a while ago! It’s just… not the same. Jane and I are real different, and it was just never really gonna work between us, I think,” she sighed. “She and Calliope are still real happy together though, and I’m glad Callie’s got her.”

“Mmm,” Rose nodded, taking another gulp of coffee and not even reacting to the taste. She seemed distracted, her eyes glazing over.

“You okay?” Roxy asked, reaching out to grab one of her hands.

Rose pulled the hand back and snapped back to reality with a small start. “Um. Yes,” she nodded, shaking her head.

“You… still get those?” Roxy asked, frowning.

“Yes, unfortunately. The visions never truly stop, I’m afraid. I’ve learned to live with them,” she answered with a small shrug. She stood up. “I’m going to grab a snack, do you want anything?”

Roxy leaned back in her chair. “Uhhhh, does this place have those neat little lemon cakes?”

“This is a real cafe, not a Starbucks, Roxy. No, but they do have handmade lemon bars.”

“One a’ those, then!” Roxy answered, pulling out her phone again.

* * *

 

Rose stood up and began gathering her things.

“Aw, shit, is it that time already?” Roxy asked, frowning.

“It is, in fact, that time, seemingly out of nowhere. Such is our inexorable march forward,” Rose rattled off, without missing a beat as she hooked her reading glasses into the front of her shirt.

“That sucks. Next week same time?” Roxy answered, slinging her bag around her shoulder and pulling out her gaudy shades once more.

“Of course, provided the morning sickness hasn’t began,” Rose teased with a small smile.

“Aw, no baby’s gonna keep me from meetin’ up with my Rosie!” Roxy pulled her into a hug as Rose feigned disgust, comically pushing her away.

“Yes, yes, thank you, I love you too,” she responded, pulling her head away from Roxy’s soft chest and straightening her clothes, an ironic gesture considering the nature of her ensemble in the first place.

“Need a ride home?” Roxy offered as they passed through the door.

“A ride would be wonderful, actually,” Rose answered. “The train is under maintenance and I’d rather avoid the haphazard routes they use to replace it.”

The drive to Rose’s home was largely uneventful, aside from the occasional dig at her driving skills. She didn’t mind, though--it was easy to turn it on Rose by mentioning the fact that, despite ample time and ability, she had still not learned to drive. Any complaints she had could be easily fixed if she simply took the time.

Roxy couldn’t help but notice that Rose still seemed distant, distracted. She would turn her head and find her friend staring at her, with a distant gaze, sometimes with fondness and sometimes with concern. She felt strange, nervous. She’d heard plenty about Rose’s visions--they could range from the mundane to the nigh-apocalyptic these days, and from what she understood the time frame was the haziest and most erratic characteristic of the visions.

It was a short drive, though extended by traffic, and in less than half an hour they had arrived. Rose sat for a bit as the car idled, looking at Roxy and then at her hands. “Roxy…” she started, trailing off.

Roxy turned to her and took her hands. “Hey. It’s all gonna be okay,” Roxy assured her with a smile. “I don’t know what you saw or what you’re thinking, but it’s all gonna be okay. You’ve been wrong before right? Anything could happen.”

Rose sighed and pulled away, shaking her head. “... Yeah, I guess.” She paused. “Just be careful, alright. With yourself, and with… your child.”

“Of course! I’m, like, the most responsible girl I know. I’ll be the best fuckin’ mom ever,” she beamed.

Rose gave a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, and finally stepped out of the car. “Have a good night, dear. I’ll see you next week,” she called as she walked down the path towards her home. Roxy noted Kanaya’s car in the driveway, and didn’t move until she saw the tall troll embrace her wife at the threshold, before the door closed behind the pair.

Roxy still didn’t move for a while after that, clenching the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles shone white through her skin.

It _was_ going to be okay, right?

Roxy didn’t know how to answer herself as she drove home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for blood and some death in this chapter

Kanaya Maryam took great pride in her position as the Head Matriarch.

“I understand you had something of a problem with our adoption volunteers.”

“Yes, well,” the human began, her voice dripping with condescension already. “I believe there must have been some kind of mistake. You see, I recently applied for an adoption and, well, I got this letter that says I’ve been refused!” She handed Kanaya a slip of paper, the customary mint green used to signify letters and documents from the Order of the Brood.

Kanaya gave the paper a cursory once over. “That is likely due to the fact that you have been refused.”

Kanaya watched as the woman clenched her jaw. “Well, I just can’t imagine why that would be! I brought here a copy of my application for you to look over, I’m sure it must have just been a simple clerical error.”

Kanaya took a second piece of paper, a barely legible photocopy of an application. She didn’t even look at it past a cursory glace, her eyes instead trained on the vein bulging from her guest’s temple. “I’m sure you understand that paper applications are only one part of the process. I trust our volunteers to be very careful in their background checking and data collection.”

She didn’t seem pleased. “I’m sure your staff are all just wonderful, Miss Broodmother-”

“Missus, if you please.”

“Missus Broodmother,” she corrected. “But isn’t it possible that they made a simple little bitty mistake?”

Kanaya sighed. “No, Miss Daniels, it is not.”

Despite the difficulties, it was easy to push through her day with the knowledge that she was contributing so much to her species. It was more than a duty to her, it was a calling. She felt at home in the broodcaverns, caring for each generation of new trolls as they came into the world and helping them to find homes. It felt like the role she was born to play.

“Matriarch Maryam!” A young bronze blood exclaimed from the door, cutting through the irate screeching of the human now standing before her desk. “It’s the mothergrub, she’s screaming again!”

Kanaya sighed and stood, towering over the woman, all elegantly curved limbs and knife-like angles. “Miss Daniels, if you take issue with our application process you may always submit a formal appeal, or simply wait a year and send in your application again. Unless you have something else you wish to discuss, I unfortunately have issues I must attend to.”

She paused, ducked halfway through the door. “Then again, perhaps a wiggler isn’t for you. You might consider instead something easier to take care of, like a lapdog.”

It was a short walk to the caverns and away from the screaming human being escorted by security, jogging behind the bronze blood who had summoned her. “Are there any symptoms? Has she been eating correctly?” Kanaya asked, her long legs pushing her far ahead of her poor companion.

“She’s been eating, ma’am, yes. We don’t know what’s wrong; She was laying the clutch just fine until it stopped, and we thought she was just done for the day but then she just started bleeding and screaming!”

Kanaya ran through ideas in her head, counting off possibilities and growing increasingly bothered by each one. She didn’t want to have to put down another mothergrub so soon. “Let’s move a bit faster, then.”

She could have chosen a simpler life, perhaps. They were still technically considered royalty, and it wouldn’t be hard to return to their palace and grow lazy on their thrones. While that had been fun for a while, she had quickly grown bored, and many of the others shared her feelings. Kanaya didn’t need to do this, but she wanted to. She felt a strange kind of maternal responsibility to care for those she had worked so hard to bring into existence.

“Keep her still!” Kanaya shouted, elbow deep in one of the mothergrub’s many ovipositors. There was a blockage--she could feel it, doing her best not to disturb the ruptures in the canal walls as she tried to dislodge whatever it was.

“I’ve almost got it,” she muttered, another spray of blood soaking her clothes in Jade. She closed her eyes and grit her teeth, growling deep in her thorax as her claws finally closed around the object. She took a deep breath in through her nasal slits and grabbed hold, carefully tugging and wiggling the object. The mothergrub cried out in pain, her head thrashing while a group of muscular cool bloods held her body still. Kanaya did her best to drown out the cries of the injured mothergrub, carefully slipping her claws between the wall and the blockage. It wasn’t budging this way, so she would have to--

And with one sharp tug and a final gush of blood, the obstruction came tumbling out of the loose sphincter. Kanaya landed on her ass with whatever it was in her lap, annoyed clicking rising from her throat. She was covered head to toe in blood and, now, had a throbbing soreness in her buttocks, but her job was accomplished.

Kanaya could have picked any number of reasons to resent her job, but she never did. It was tough work, but it was rewarding, and it felt right; she always left the caverns with a smile painting her chitinous features.

Once she had ascertained that she hadn’t injured herself, Kanaya looked down at the object that had previously been causing the mothergrub so much pain.

She nearly threw up.

Jade tears gathered in her eyes as she reached down, lifting the crushed egg to her glowing, blood-stained chest. “I am sorry, little one,” she whispered, too quiet for any of the attendants now caring for the tired grub to hear. “We have failed you.”

Kanaya was confident in her choice to run the broodcaverns, rather than live a cushy life in luxury. It was the greatest kindness she could do for trollkind, to devote herself to such a noble pursuit. No matter the hardships, she was happy to be of service.

But then, why did she feel so tired?

* * *

 

Kanaya’s day after that was short. She cleaned herself up in the wash room--her clothes were discarded, bloodstained beyond repair, and replaced with one of the many spare outfits she kept in her office.

“Are you alright, Matriarch Maryam?” the bronze blood from earlier had asked her when she returned to the cavern to oversee the care of the mothergrub.

“Yes, of course,” she responded with a confused look. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, I just saw that you were crying earlier…”

Kanaya said nothing for a moment.

“What is your name?”

“Tyzuth, ma’am.”

Kanaya looked on at the swarm of trolls tending to the injured grub, gently encouraging her to finish laying her clutch from her other ovipositors while treatments were applied to the tears and cuts caused by the shattered egg.

“The death of a wiggler is an unavoidable tragedy, but a tragedy all the same,” she answered finally.

Tyzuth said nothing, merely looking at her at her with a concerned look and then leaving to return to their duties.

Kanaya decided to go home early that day. She sat in her car for a long time before she left for home, her thoughts turning to the original matriorb. Pulling the crushed egg from the current mothergrub felt like a gross parody of that original act of destiny, the moment that she had taken upon her the responsibility of reviving the troll race.

Were the current mothergrubs even related to Kanaya’s own lusus, she wondered? Roxy had created the matriorb from scratch on that dusky planet so many years ago. Iit was possible that the modern mothergrubs spawned from it were their own, entirely separate line. That idea felt almost like an insult to Kanaya and her lusus, and all that they had both given up to bring their race back from the brink of extinction. It would be a cruel joke for Kanaya to have gone through all she did just for the mothergrubs to not even resemble her late guardian.

She looked down, her hands resting on the scar she still bore on her abdomen. She thought back to that moment--the flash of light, blinding her at least as much as the pain did. All she could see as she had faded was the bloody pieces of the matriorb littered around her.

She decided she didn’t want to think about this anymore.

She considered picking up her phone and calling Rose. Her human paramour always seemed to know what to say--but Kanaya couldn’t bother her with this. She was certainly busy creating some masterpiece of literary analysis or biting commentary on the state of the entertainment industry, or doing research for one, or perhaps writing her fiction as she occasionally found time to do. She had her own issues to deal with. Kanaya would simply hold her tongue and focus on getting home safe.

When she arrived home, her wife was nowhere to be found. She checked the date on her phone--a Saturday. Ah, then she would be out with a friend. Alas. Kanaya let out a defeated sigh, dropping her bag of discarded clothes just inside the door and collapsing on their sofa. The black leather cushions barely contained her gangly form, curled up in the corner of the couch.

She didn’t notice she’d been crying until she heard the door unlocking, dropping the jade stained pillow from her lap as she stood suddenly. “I’ve got it!” she shouted, dashing across to the door and opening it. Her massive shoulders relaxed as she laid eyes on Rose, short and soft to contrast Kanaya’s height and hardness.

Rose looked up at her with a fond smile, and Kanaya looked past her to see Roxy’s car on the street. “Are you going to let me in, or must I stand out here in the sun all day?”

“Oh, yes.” Kanaya stood aside, letting Rose in and nervously resting a hand on her shoulder. A moment later she scooped the small human into a hug, squeezing her tight and nuzzling into her neck. Rose reached behind her to close the door before she reciprocated, hands resting just beneath her wife’s shoulder plates.

She asked, voice quiet and caring, “I take it you’ve had a rough day, then?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to 2 of my good friends for beta-reading for me!!! theyve been rly great about encouraging me to keep writing and i appreciate them a lot


	3. Chapter 3

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

GC: H3Y VR1SK4 W4NTS TO KNOW 1F YOU W4NT TO COM3 W1TH US TO N3W V3G4S N3XT W33K3ND

GC: 1 TOLD H3R YOUR 4NSW3R WOULD B3 TH3 S4M3 4S 4LW4YS BUT SH3 1S L1T3R4LLY BR34TH1NG DOWN MY FUCK1NG N3CK OV3R TH1S 4S USU4L

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] is an idle troll! --

GC: K4N4Y4!!!!!!!!

GC: K4N4Y4 TH3S3 T4CT1CS M1GHT WORK ON VR1SK4 BUT 1 4M F4R MOR3 P3RS1ST4NT TH4N H3R! 1 W1LL NOT B3 D3T3R3D

GC: 1 W1LL CONT1NU3 TO M3SS4G3 YOU UNT1L ON3 OR BOTH OF US 1S D34D

GC: WH1CH M4Y OR M4Y NOT B3 L1T3R4LLY FOR3V3R! TH4T 1S HOW P4T13NT 4ND P3RS1ST3NT 1 4M YOU SHOULD B3 1MPR3SS3D

GC: K4N4Y4 1 SW34R TO GODS 1 W1LL PHYS1C4LLY M4N1F3ST 1N YOUR HOM3

GC: K4N4Y4 1 KNOW YOU C4NT B3 TH1S BUSY

GC: YOUR3 PR4CT1C4LLY 4 HOUS3W1F3 T1M3S TWO YOU DO NOT POSS3SS TH3 F4CULT13S TO B3 BUSY

GC: OK4Y TH1S 1S 4CTU4LLY PR3TTY FUCK1NG BOR1NG SO 1M JUST GO1NG TO M4K3 SOM3 FOOD WH1L3 1 W41T FOR YOU TO 4NSW3R M3 L1K3 4 C1V1L1Z3D FUCK1NG TROLL

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] is an idle troll! --

GA: Please Stop Whining I Was Simply Saying Hello To Rose

GC: OF COURS3 YOU W3R3

GC: G4Y

GA: Very

GA: Tell Vriska She Can Talk To Me Herself If She Wishes To Invite Me To Things

GA: And That It Also Would Not Kill Her To Call Once In A While Because Despite My Rough Exterior I Do Miss Her Deep Down

GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO!

GC: SH3 S4YS SH3 DO3S BUT SH3 OBV1OUSLY DO3SNT 1F SH3 H4SNT DON3 1T Y3T

GC: 1 TH1NK SH3S SC4R3D OF YOU

GA: Then Why Does She Keep Inviting Me To These Trips

GC: 1 DONT KNOW!!! 1 DONT PR3T3ND TO UND3RST4ND TH4T WOM4N TH3S3 D4YS

GA: You Have Lived Together Long Enough One Would Think You Would At Least Make An Effort

GC: 4ND ON3 WOULD TH1NK YOU WOULD H4V3 COM3 W1TH US TO N3W V3G4S BY NOW!!!!

GA: I Am A Very Busy Troll Terezi

GA: Running The Brooding Caverns Is A Full Time Job Inasmuch As Full Time Jobs Are A Even A Thing Anymore

GA: It Requires Constant Oversight Even When I Am Not Physically In The Caverns

GC: L4M3!!!

GC: L4M3 L4M3 L4M3

GC: G3T 4 SUBST1TUT3 TO T4K3 OV3R FOR YOU!!!

GC: OR G3T ROS3 TO T4P 1N SH3 N3V3R DO3S SH1T 4NYW4Y

GC: SH3S 3V3N L3SS BUSY TH4N YOU 4R3!!

GA: Rose Has Her Own Work To Do

GA: And I Do Not Trust The Trainees To Treat The Mothergrubs Or Wigglers Right

GC: L1T3R4LLY TH3Y D1D 1T TH3MS3LV3S FOR THOUS4NDS OF Y34RS B3FOR3 W3 GOT H3R3

GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT!!!

GC: YOU JUST DONT W4NT TO H4V3 FUN

GA: Maybe I Am Having Fun

GA: You Should Not Presume To Be Familiar With My Fun-Having-Ness

GA: I Have Fun All The Time

GA: Sometimes I Even

GA: Imagine I Am Whispering This Next Line

GA: Chuckle

GA: Shocking I Know

GC: K4N4Y4 W3 BOTH KNOW TH4T 1S 4 BL4T4NT L13.

GC: YOU 4R3 4 ST1CK SO F4R 1N TH3 MUD 1F YOU W3R3 4NY SHORT3R YOU WOULD B3 DROWN1NG

GA: Then It Is Fortunate I Am So Vertically Gifted

GA: Are You Jealous Of My Height?

GC: NO!!!!! 1 JUST TH1NK YOU SHOULD LOOS3N UP!!!

GA: Like You And Vriska?

GC: Y3S!!

GA: Well Unlike You Two I Enjoy Filling My Time With Meaningful And Important Activities

GA: With Occasional Allotments For Pursuing Hobbies

GC: W3 DO 4LL K1NDS OF M34N1NGFUL TH1NGS!!

GA: Ah Yes Like Swindling Tourists And Finding Ever New Ways To Cheat At Cardgames

GA: How Many Local Restaurants Have You Been Banned From Now? Do You Still Keep A Tally Or Have You Lost Track

GC: W3 H4V3 PL3NTY OF L3G1T1M4T3 P4SST1M3S!

GC: W3 H4V3NT B33N B4NN3D FROM TH3 L1BR4RY Y3T

GC: OR TH3 4RC4D3

GA: So You Say

GA: Honestly Terezi I Understand Vriskas Pursuit Of Such Banal Pleasures But I Expected You To Be A Bit More Interested In Making A Place For Yourself In This World

GA: It Has Been Seven Years

GA: Surely You Are Tired Of Spending Your Time On Such Fruitless Endeavors

GC: >:[

GC: TH4T H1TS M3 D33P K4N4Y4

GC: TH4T H1TS M3 R34L D33P

GC: >:,[

GC: LOOK 1M CRY1NG TH4TS HOW D33P YOU H4V3 H1T M3

GC: 1 4M SH3DD1NG 4 S1NGL3 SOL1T4RY T34R

GA: Yes Im Sure

GC: 1M DO1NG GR34T!!

GC: 1 3V3N H4V3 4 JOB NOW

GA: Oh?

GC: 1 M34N 1T SUCKS BUT 1TS 4 JOB

GA: Doing What Might I Ask

GC: 1M 4 NUNY4!!!

GA: I Dont Believe I Am Familiar

GA: What Is A Nunya

GC: NUNY4 FUCK1NG BUS1N3SS!!

GA: Sigh

GA: I Miss You Terezi

GA: Dave And Karkat Share The Sentiment Im Sure Though Neither Would Willingly Admit It To Anyone

GC: FUCK D4V3 4ND K4RK4T! TH3Y M4D3 TH31R CHO1C3S NOW TH3Y C4N L1V3 W1TH TH3 CONS3QU3NC3S

GC: 1F TH3Y W4NT TO T4LK TO M3 TH3Y KNOW MY TROLL H4NDL3

GA: I Dont Believe They Still Use Pesterchum Or Trollian

GA: In All Honesty I Only Use It Because It Is The Only Messaging Client You Seem Inclined To Use

GA: And I Dont Want To Lose Track Of You Or Vriska

GA: Dave And Karkat Love You Terezi

GA: We All Do

GC: VR1SK4 LOV3S M3 TOO!!! 1M H4PPY!!!!

GA: Are You

GA: You Could Have Fooled Me

GA: In Fact You Did

GA: Here I Was Thinking You Were Extremely Depressed

GA: If I Was Rose I Might Even List Off Some Symptoms To Show Off My Impressive Intellect And Specialized Knowledge

GC: STOP M3DDL1NG!!!!!

GC: YOU 4R3 NOT MY LUSUS

GA: Youre Right I Am Not Your Lusus

GA: I Am Your Lifelong Friend

GA: And I Know How Vriska Is

GA: I Am Not Meddling For The Sake Of Meddling

GA: Im Just Worried About You

GC: VR1SK4 1S 1MPORT4NT TO M3 1 C4NT JUST L34V3 H3R

GA: That Doesnt Mean You Have To Spend Your Time Exclusively With Her

GA: I Have Lived In Close Quarters With Rose For Nearly Ten Years But I Dont Spend All My Time With Her

GC: TH4TS B3C4US3 YOUR3 4LW4YS ELBOW D33P 1N MOTHERGRUB SLURRY SPH1NCT3R!

GC: 1T DO3SNT COUNT 1F 4LL TH3 OTH3R P3OPL3 YOU H4NG OUT W1TH COUNT TH31R 4G3S 1N HOURS

GC: DONT PROJ3CT YOUR PROBL3MS ONTO M3! 1M F1N3

GA: You Are Not Fine

GA: And I Am Not Projecting Anything I Am Perfectly Fine With My Life

GC: BULLSH1T!!!! OTH3RW1S3 YOU WOULDNT B3 ST1CK1NG YOUR SNORTNUB 1N OTH3R P3OPL3S SH1T!!

GA: Stop

GC: 1 B3T YOU *H4T3* WORK1NG 1N TH3 BROOD1NG C4V3RNS

GC: 1 B3T YOU TH1NK 1TS GROSS 4ND YOU JUST DO 1T B3C4US3 YOUR3 SC4R3D OF DO1NG 4NYTH1NG 3LS3

GA: I Happen To Like Working In The Brooding Caverns

GA: Its Nice

GC: OHHHH 1 KNOW

GC: YOU WORK TH3R3 B3C4US3 YOU W4NT K1DS BUT YOU C4NT H4V3 4NY!!!!

GC: 1T JUST 34TS YOU UP HOW YOU C4NT 3V3R H4V3 YOUR OWN W1GGL3RS B3C4US3 YOU D3C1D3D TO M4RRY 4 HUM4N

GC: 1 KNOW HOW YOU SUBSCR1B3 TO TH4T HUM4N MOTH3R STUFF

GC: DO3S ROS3 KNOW YOU DONT 3V3N H4V3 4 G3N3BL4DD3R 4NYMOR3

GC: YOU COULDNT H4V3 GRUBS 3V3N 1F YOU W4NT3D TO!!!!!

GA: Thats Enough

GA: I Was Just Trying To Help But I Can See You Dont Want It

GA: So Dont Expect To Get It Anymore

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

GC: GOOD!! GO FUCK1NG CRY TO YOUR P3T HUM4N

GC: YOUR3 4 M1S3R4BL3 B1TCH!!

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] has blocked grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

* * *

 

“UUUUUUUUGH!” She screamed loud enough to wake up their entire hivestem as she collapsed into bed. Her pillowcase would be stained teal with her tears but she found it difficult to care, burying her face in it to muffle her own shouting. She was just glad Vriska wasn’t home to pester her. She didn’t think she’d be able to hold back if she was. “Why did I fucking do that!!!” she cried out, her voice catching on each word. She choked on her own voice, her screams quieting into strangled cries.

She was a mess.

She was a mess, and Kanaya was right, and she was just too much of a dumbass to admit to herself. What was the last impactful thing she’d actually done? The last thing that really mattered? She’d moved away from the castles and posh neighborhoods, isolated herself from the others--from her friends, people she’d been to hell and back with. She’d searched from Vriska for she didn’t know how long, and then… Then what?

She looked around her room, empty food containers and dirty clothes and unopened mail covering nearly every horizontal surface. The walls were empty too--she hadn’t even taken the time to decorate her room. She was a failure--if her younger self could see her she would surely be ashamed. The path before her was obvious: she needed to act. She couldn’t let this go on much longer or she’d destroy herself _._

So what was she going to do about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you like this, feel free to find me on tumblr @lalonde-lesbian !! thanks <333


	4. Chapter 4

“I believe I read somewhere that using the computer just before bed is bad for one’s eyes,” Kanaya purred as she stepped around their bed, methodically undressing. “If you continue doing this, you could go blind before you are forty.”

“If I’m lucky,” Rose retorted without even looking up. “I’m aiming for thirty-five.”

“Ambitious,” Kanaya smiled, moving to the adjoined bathroom. “And here I thought you were without goals. I see now how wrong I was to think you would ever willingly stop putting yourself in mortal danger.”

“Losing my eyesight is hardly _mortal danger,_ ” she snorted. “I think the only downside is that I couldn’t look at you anymore.”

Kanaya put up one finger as she brushed her teeth, making sure to scrub at her mandibles. “I wiww awehz hine-”

“I can’t hear you at all, darling,” Rose cut her off.

Kanaya made an annoyed click and spat, quickly rinsing her mouth. “I said, I will always shine bright enough for you to find me.”

That was enough to finally pull Rose away from her laptop screen, and it and her glasses were set aside on the bedside table. “That was disgustingly romantic,” she gushed as Kanaya climbed into bed beside her.

“I’m just glad that horrid clicking has stopped. You act as though the keyboard disrespected your ancestor,” she teased, pulling the blankets over herself.

“I have been personally affronted by keyboards too many times to give them the benefit of the doubt. I’m going on the offensive.” Rose yawned, running her fingers through soft waves of hair as she scooted into a lying position. “I think it is time for a haircut again.”

“I will mark it on my schedule.” The lamp dimmed, and Kanaya curled up facing Rose, one long arm draping itself across her shoulder. Rose pulled out her phone, flicking away notifications for messages, telling herself she’d answer them in the morning while knowing full well she would forget entirely. They were silent for some time, and Rose thought Kanaya had fallen asleep before the troll spoke again. “Have you,” Kanaya began, then paused. “Rose, would you like to go on a vacation with me, and perhaps, ah--also Vriska or Terezi?”

Rose looked up at her, the rare emotion of surprise painting her features in the dim blue light. “I--When would this vacation be?”

“Terezi mentioned they were going to New Vegas next weekend.”

“And you’re thinking of joining?”

“Well, I, yes,” she paused, nerves obvious from the fidgeting of her foot beneath the covers. “I thought it might be nice to get away from things for a short while.”

Rose considered for a moment. It had never occurred to her that Kanaya might _want_ to get away, but she saw no reason for it to do anything but benefit her. “I don’t think New Vegas is quite my venue,” she spoke carefully. “But I would encourage you to go. I think it might do you some good.”

Kanaya nodded and rolled to lay on her back, away from Rose. “Yes,” she answered, “I think it might be nice to treat myself to such a trip.”

They said nothing after that. Kanaya fell asleep rather quickly, the gentle hum of her breathing soothing to Rose after so many years. The Seer took quite a bit longer, putting off the dark tendrils of sleep in favor of the bright and inviting interfaces of numerous social media sites, practically deserted in the late hours.

She could feel it behind her eyes--that intense, feverish ache that burned her retinas, grabbing and groping at her to pull her away; Away from time, away from space, away from the real world and into one of fantasy, one of fractal-like branches and impossibly complex paths, populated with endless worst-case-scenarios and what-if questions. Many paths going forward, most of them dark, full of death or sorrow or both, and just the one leading back--most of the way back. Rose had seen such a place many times and she refused to be pulled there, clenching her fists as she focused on the pixels on her screen, individually insignificant but coalescing into images her small human eyes and brain could process. She refused the whispers in her ears, promises of knowledge, of power, if only she would let them help, and soon, she fell asleep.

* * *

 

_Warmth--gentleness, love, life_

_Pain--absence, fear, death_

_So many questions and none of them right_

_Lips--soft, wet, inviting_

_Love--forbidden, too eager, too painful_

_Can light touch the space between the stars?_

It took nearly a full second for Rose to recognize that the screaming she heard was her own. In that time, Kanaya had leapt out of bed dressed in nothing but a sheer slip, her luminescence bright enough to light up the room with painful, green tinted light. She had in her hand a tube of lipstick, and looked at it with a quizzical expression, confused that she was not holding a chainsaw.

“Oh, fuck,” Rose ripped off her sleep mask, her voice breaking. “I’m- I’m sorry.” She realized she was dripping sweat, a visible dark patch where her back had just been laying. She held her face in her hands as the room dimmed again, her breathing audible. “It- I’m sorry, I’m fine.”

Kanaya relaxed and slumped against the wall, her breathing nearly as labored. “What happened?”

“It was just a dream. Don’t worry about it too much,” Rose muttered.

Kanaya grunted a response and left the room. Rose heard the sink running before her wife returned, a glass of water in hand. She shoved it into Rose’s hands, commanding her to drink, before slinking off to the restroom and out of sight.

It had been a long time since Rose had had a vision that intense. She tried to remember what it was, but it was hard--all she got were vague fragments, spoken in tongues she could no longer understand. Parsing her visions was growing more and more difficult.

She was startled out of her thoughts when Kanaya dropped down onto the mattress beside her again. She muttered something incomprehensible into the pillows.

“What?”

She lifted up her head with a groan, pulling herself into a kneeling position and setting a calming palm on Rose’s shoulder. “What was it about?”

Rose avoided her eyes, gaze drawing patterns on the rest of Kanaya’s segmented, nearly monochrome body. “I’m not sure,” she whispered, placing one soft hand over her alien paramour’s, round human fingers crossed with thin insectoid ones. “I--I can’t remember.”

Kanaya pursed her lips and furrowed her brow. “I don’t recall the last time you had a vision at all, let alone one you could not remember,” she whispered.

“It was today--yesterday, whatever.” Rose stared at the bed, doing her best to ignore how the curves of the pattern tried to lift up from the surface, twisting in the air above her bed. “When I was with Roxy.”

Kanaya’s face fell. “Unfortunate. It seemed they are flaring up again.”

Rose nodded, closing her eyes and breathing through her nose. Kanaya moved forward and embraced her, clawed fingers carefully running up the wide expanses of her back, caressing the rolls that formed at her sides. “It was about Roxy. The one earlier.” Rose choked, biting back tears as her voice broke again. “I-I don’t know what I’ll do if she-”

“Hush. Roxy is strong,” Kanaya growled, a low rumble in her chest. “She has made it through far worse, I’m sure. We must have faith in her.”

Rose sobbed. “I love her Kanaya, I can’t-- I can’t stand to see her hurt.” Tears streamed down her cheeks as Kanaya pulled her gently down to the bed, wrapped in her arms and curled up against her body. “I don’t know if I should interfere, or if that would simply guarantee the outcome, I can’t, I-”

Kanaya shushed her, squeezing her tight, as she continued to blubber. Rose wasn’t sure when she fell asleep again, but it was in the comforting embrace of her lover that she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little late this week because things got hectic, but im going to make sure to get next weeks chapter out on friday! thank you everyone for reading, and if you like what i do please consider donating to my [patreon!](https://www.patreon.com/roxypop) EDIT: next week there will be no chapters, because of plans that i forgot about! but the week after we will be back on a regular schedule!


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